What a joy Jake is! As you can see by all the photos. He is so cute when he goes to bed at night. Instead of him taking a bottle and going to sleep like he used to, he just wants you to lay down with him in the bed (not baby bed) and he cuddles and snuggles and goes to sleep with a little smile on his face. It really makes you feel good. I’m so blessed to have my daughter so close and to be able to be a part of my Grandson’s life.
The day didn’t start off so good. I had some groceries to get and so went to Walmart a little after 6am before I picked Jake up at the School at 7am. When I went into the store they had a new rail of ladies shirts up, right when you go in the door. They were all the style of shirts Carrie used to wear. All kind of emotions raced through me, from wishing I could buy one for her, to thinking they are really not in style anymore. Would she still wear them? I wonder what her style of clothing would be now? I don’t know if there is one time of year worse than another, for missing Carrie. Right now I am going through the March through June phase, reliving when she moved out till her death. I pass her house every time I go to town. It hasn’t been an easy couple of months. There are still so many regrets to have to live with. I find myself wondering how other couples manage to deal with losing a child around the same age. After Carrie’s death I was very aware when another teen had a car accident. One thing that seems to hold true, is that if you have a hole in your heart, like losing a child, the best way to help fill it for example, is to be a parent to a child that doesn’t have a parent. I think we do that at the Coffee House. There are kids there that don’t have parents. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t had the opportunity to give and do and be. I would hope that when people look at what we do at the Coffee House and wonder why we do so much, they would realize that it is because Carrie left such a big hole in our hearts. I see why scholarships are started. Also a quote from a book I am reading by a psychiatrist that endured horrors in Nazi death camps. (Not light reading before bed!) "What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it really did not matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life-daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problem and fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."
It’s actually good reading. I’m still new to this kind of. It’s still like a big experiment to me, I’m not sure what to say and what not to say. Many times I have thought about blogging about Carrie but decided not to, just because. Mum said she likes that I can put down my thoughts, so this section is probably for her. All I know basically is that it’s close to the 3 year mark of Carrie’s death. I still miss her terribly and cry. It still feels like yesterday. She is still very much a part of our family in our thoughts.
And now I come full circle to the Joy of our life, our daughter Isla and Grandson and don’t forget James. Jake is in the other room asleep as I write this after I put him down for the night. (He is spending the night with us tonight). I am blessed.
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